This example provides a simple yet realistic example of how divorcing couples can get "stuck" on issues that seem to have no solution acceptable to both parties. Assuming rigid positions--as many couples do--is a common and understandable way for people to try to maintain control in the face of the destruction, disruption, and distress of divorce. Rigid positions are mere symptoms of the underlying, unspoken fears and feelings of the spouses. Unless they are identified and addressed, these fears and feelings--expressed as rigid positions--often prevent couples from reaching an acceptable divorce agreement.

Unique benefits of divorce mediation

Shifting the parties from "positions" to "needs and interests" is a fundamental strength of divorce mediation; this shift allows each spouse to clearly and openly state what is important to him/her and to have those needs and interests recognized by the other spouse. Furthermore, by helping the couple to shift from "positions" to "needs and interests," I am able to help the parties break impasses and reduce hostility, thus paving the way to mutually-acceptable divorce agreements. When a divorce or family dispute is being handled through the courts, there is no opportunity to express these underlying feelings and needs, no opportunity to understand your spouse's position and find a common ground. As a result, the parties get stuck in rigid positions, each believing that their position is reasonable and virtuous while the other spouse's position is totally unreasonable and vindictive.

A doctor cannot effectively prescribe medication without an accurate diagnosis of the illness. Likewise, no one can help you reach a satisfactory divorce agreement without an accurate understanding of the underlying issues, feelings and needs. Such an understanding is possible only through divorce mediation.