A typical example

The foregoing example is typical of my divorce mediation cases. It is a very flexible process that can be tailored to the needs and the pace of each couple. As your divorce mediator, my primary responsibility is to help you and your spouse to communicate openly, honestly and effectively in the hope that the two of you will be able to develop a divorce agreement that substantially meets the needs and interests of you, your spouse, and you children. Some couples require more sessions than others, especially if there is a high level of anger, or if their financial situation is complex. However, many couples can reach agreement on several issues in a single session, and therefore complete the divorce mediation process in only three or four sessions. On average, divorce mediation requires between three and six sessions. More importantly, in divorce mediation, you are not pressured into making decisions; instead you are encouraged to make well informed, carefully considered, voluntary choices.

Regardless of the number of sessions you may need in order to create a satisfactory Marital Settlement Agreement, each major divorce issue (parenting, finances, etc.) is handled in the following basic sequence:

• clarify the issue; explore each spouse's needs and interests;
• gather the information needed to make a carefully considered decision;
• develop various options that address each spouse's needs and interests, as well as the realities of your circumstances;
• evaluate the various options in light of each spouse's needs and interests, and the realities of your circumstances;
• select the option that best meets each spouse's needs and interests, and the realities of your circumstances;
• put your agreement (on this particular issue) into writing.

This process is repeated until all of the issues have been resolved, and both of you are ready to sign the final divorce agreement.

How both of you can get what you really want

During the divorce process, many people become angry with their spouse. As a result, people tend to develop inflexible "positions" that they will defend vigorously. Typically, these "positions" are mutually exclusive--either/or, all-or-nothing, black or white--which does not allow for compromise.

For instance, I have often seen fathers who insist that they have sole custody of their young children, even though this position was neither reasonable nor realistic given their work schedule, the ages of the children, and a host of other considerations. Nevertheless, the fathers would staunchly defend this position, often offering a list of "justifications" which range from absurd to purely vindictive.

At the same time, I usually find that the mothers vigorously defend their position that they should have sole custody of the children and that the fathers should have limited access to the children. As with the fathers, the mothers’ “justifications” also range from absurd to purely vindictive.

In short, many couples engage in a destructive power struggle that threatens to derail any hopes for a cooperative divorce agreement. These couples have reached an impasse, and there seems to be no solution to their mutually exclusive positions, regardless of the issue being debated. It is therefore up to me, as the divorce mediator, to help these couples reexamine their separate positions, to carefully listen to each other's concerns, to clarify the realities of their circumstances, and to help the couple to explore options that address the real needs and interests underlying their refusal to cooperate and compromise.