A Typical Conversation

So how can I, as a divorce mediator, help the parties to get past their mutually-exclusive positions so that they can reach a reasonable, realistic, and acceptable divorce agreement? Let’s consider the previous example of the couple arguing over parenting their children.

First, I express curiosity as to how the father will be able to handle sole custody, given his work schedule, possible travel requirements of his job, and the parenting needs of his children. The father usually points out that he can rely on babysitters, day care and after-school programs. I then "wonder" out loud if strangers would be better caretakers to his children than their own mother. At this point, most fathers reluctantly acknowledge that their children would be better with their mother than with strangers. Furthermore, most fathers admit that, given their work schedules and other obligations, they cannot realistically handle sole custody. When I express confusion about the father’s conflicting statements (wanting sole custody but agreeing that such an arrangement is not practical), most fathers express fear that the mother will destroy his relationship with their children. For most fathers, therefore, insisting on sole custody is their way to protect their relationship with their children, rather than a criticism of the mother.

At this point, I turn to the mother, and ask her how she felt when the father admitted that she would be a better caretaker than strangers would be. Most mothers say they are surprised and relieved, since they had assumed that the father’s objective was to discredit the mothers.

Next, I ask the mother how the children would feel if they could see their father for only a few hours every other week. Reluctantly, mothers usually admit that the father is a good parent, and that their children would really suffer if he were not actively involved in their lives. Since many mothers work outside the home, I also ask them if it would be realistic to expect them to assume sole responsibility for the children.  Few mothers feel that they should be expected to carry this burden alone. When I express confusion about the mother’s conflicting statements (wanting sole custody but admitting that such an arrangement is not fair to either her or the children), most mothers reveal that they were acting out of fear that the father would not agree to an equitable financial settlement. Most mothers, therefore, think that withholding access to the children is the only way to force the father to make a fair financial settlement.

It has been my experience that the fathers’ real "needs and interests" are met by being assured of their ongoing roles as parents,  while the mothers’ real "needs and interests" are met by being assured that they will receive a fair share of the couple’s assets. Once both parents have been reassured by the other parent, they are able to work out a divorce agreement that is fair, reasonable, and workable.